Ridge Walker’s Notebook

St Johns

Tue, 6 Jan 2009 08:10:33 -0500

I’m somewhere in Queens, that’s all I know. OK, I know more than that. I’m currently at a Starbucks on the corner of 188th and 64th. Mostly that’s meaningless to me though. If I had a GPS for my car I would feel marginally more comfortable about the whole experience but then again probably not. You see, it’s supposed to snow today, this afternoon. I face a virtual certainty of spending significant time in my car driving in it. The commander of our office cares nothing for such pain so neither do I. I show up when she has asked, and leave when she has asked. She trusts none of us unless she can walk out and see us at our desks. She has told me this in almost exactly those words. If this sounds at all like I am grousing I’m not. I really don’t care. The older I get the shorter the list of things I care about becomes.

Back to Queens though. I’m sitting in Starbucks prior to going to St John’s University. I am going to an interview for a full scholarship for a Masters degree in Information Science. I’m not going to tell you what that degree is about just to keep an air of mystery here. If you’re curious go google it. It’s rather leading edge stuff though for certain industries. It was bit serendipitous how I found out about this, and I really hold very little hope that I will, “win.” If I do it would be an evening program two days a week in Manhattan for a year.

So why am I interviewing if I don’t think it will go anywhere? I can’t say really, except that a bit I am wired that way. If I don’t pursue it I absolutely won’t get it. In the same vein I have interviewed for countless jobs to get the ones I have. Every one of them held potential. I know some of you bat close to a thousand in that area, but not the Ridge Walker. Finding a job is never easy for him. Few things are. Too, there is a bit of a feeling I am forcing this, which is never good. On the plus side though the professor interviewing has told me I am a strong candidate, which is why I was asked to come in for an interview. Wish me luck?

It’s All About Me

Sat, 3 Jan 2009 09:53:32 -0500

Sometimes the music is too loud at Starbucks. Music at a place like this is meant to be part of the background, and not the main attraction. That’s just my opinion of course. I really don’t come here to listen to the music and I can’t imagine any does really. I was in a Starbucks once and someone asked one of the baristas why the music was a bit on the loud side. The barista cheerily responded, “If it’s any softer we can’t hear it over the noise of our espresso machine.” Oh, now I get it, the music isn’t for us at all it’s for them. Being, “Me,” centric is a disease we’re all guilty of at times, and it’s really hard to break away from it I think. Empathy comes from suffering, and even then it seems to be touch and go. How much do you have to suffer before you naturally think of others?

So I sometimes just sit with the loud music until I can make it white noise and do my writing. Other times I bring my Bose noise canceling headphones. I have an app for my iPhone called, “Ambient Noise.” I spin this up and I am in my own little world, sitting in my fluffy chair listening to haunting winds while I can’t hear Sheryl Crow screaming at the top of her lungs in the speaker directly over my head (Perversely, the speakers are always directly over the fluffy chairs). In the past I would have worried about what people were thinking about the guy in the fluffy chair with the Bose, but happily I have reached the stage where I pretty much no longer care what anyone in public thinks about me. I could wear black socks, sandals, old man shorts, and a wife beater and not be bothered by it if I so chose.

So I finished my writing, unplugged the Bose and packed it away, and went to the bathroom prior to getting in the car. I knew a storm was coming in so the wind must really be picking up because I could hear it whistling through the vent in the ceiling in the bathroom. I walk out to the car and yeah the wind is strong, I still hear it. I get in my car and it’s still there. This is some storm, I try to remember to make sure everything that can get blown away is bolted down. I check my windows to make sure they’re all up. They are. Maybe it’s coming in through the vent or something, I think to myself. I’m most of the way home, which is only four miles before I realize that while I had unplugged the Bose and put them away I did not turn ambient noise off. Haunting wind is still whistling away in my pocket.

Writing

Fri, 2 Jan 2009 10:28:30 -0500

I have been thinking about writing a book lately. I’m talking here about just how you write one, and not if I should try. Now this isn’t to be taken as boasting in any form, but I have three attempts under my belt; Bastable, and two NaNoWriMo’s. Here is what I have learned from these attempts.

Telling a story is one thing, writing a book is another. With Bastable I told a story. It was a single thread being primarily told from the viewpoint of the main character. Largely, it was single layered too. This is to say the story line was Bastables interaction with those around him. So what I took away from this was that for a story to be effective, and this is my opinion only, it should have several layers to it, inner conflict, interpersonal, and maybe something of a more global nature. I also learned about the concept of tension. Each page, and each chapter needs to keep the tension going and ratchet it up. Err on the side of too much.

From NaNo I learned that I have a preference for multi threaded stories, but that is probably just because I tend towards complexity. I also learned that I need to think through the timelines, scenes, locations, and doing all that in real time is more than I can manage.

Telling the story is the easy part. My writing, the actual craft of putting the words in order, is what it is. Doing all the above while telling the story reminds me of learning to land an airplane. I was doing five things all at the same time and yeah that took time to master too. I have a way to go here.

I don’t know if this is a good thing or a bad, but I ordered a book on how to write a book. I figure a little help would not be a bad thing here as I seem to be floundering around. I don’t know where this is going, if anywhere, just that I can’t stop, don’t want to, and really want to get as good as I can before it’s time to put down the pen.

New Years Resolutions

Thu, 1 Jan 2009 10:29:29 -0500

What went well
Gainfully employed all year long
Started taking bagpipe lessons
Picked up Zen meditation again
Became more comfortable with where I am on my path
Pleased with where my writing is at overall
I did more reading this year
Remodeling Arwen’s room with The Chef
Quit Aspartame (artificial sweetener used in all diet soda that is very very bad for you) and felt so much better
Family relationships

What did not go well
Issues with anger at work were still significant
Coffee
Didn’t push hard enough on my writing
I let myself get woefully out of shape
Tendency to do nothing on the weekend is hard to resist
Still see life as fundamentally painful

Goals for 2009
Start and complete a major writing project
Be a calmer, less angry, person when life presents me with circumstances that push me in the opposite direction
Be present more

That’s if for now as of 10:25 a.m. New Years day. If I think of more I’ll update later. Feel free to add your two cents worth here too. For today only, 360 degree feedback is welcome.

Report on 2008

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 08:09:24 -0500

This is the day for the report, if only to myself, on how I did on the goals I set this year. I understand I’m probably only one of four or five people on this planet who are wired in such a fashion. Fine. I embrace it. Taken from the 1/1/2008 entry on my blog, where ever it was then, here are the goals I set along with my report.
▪ Learn to play the bagpipes -- I’m counting this one as achieved even though I’m no where close to know how to play the pipes. I’m just starting to be comfortable with grace notes. Finding someone to take lessons from took clear until October, mostly because I was flailing around not making any progress, even though I was trying to. I practice diligently though, and have every confidence that in 2009 I will continue to make progress here.
▪ Practice my handwriting font every day -- I’m counting this one as achieved too because I did in fact do this. I don’t know that my handwriting improved significantly. If I take my time it looks pretty nice, if I’m at all in a hurry it looks as bad as yours. I’m done with this goal and it is time to move on.
▪ Edit Bastable and submit it for publishing - Nope. I didn’t do this one. My writing did in fact progress though and I think I learned a thing or two about what writing is to me, how to approach it, and how to tell a story. I may come back to Bastable and I may not. It needs a tremendous amount of work. Writing it was a very good thing and I have no regrets. Writing will continue to be a big part of my life.
▪ Maintain gym attendance of 2 days per week get to and stay at 185-190 lbs - Failed miserably here and I have no excuse to offer. On top of that my current work schedule is such that going to a gym during the week is nigh unto impossible.
▪ Quit using profanity in any form - I actually accomplished this. Now I will admit, a word or two may occasionally slip out, but that is usually in private and in time I will take care of that too. I can’t say I feel any better for having done this. It’s more of an indirect benefit of other things. When I started practicing Zen I got much better control on my anger. For me, anger drove profanity. I am calmer now and really don’t profane at all. So it’s not the ending of swearing that’s nice here, it’s the not giving reign to anger, and being present in the moment that’s cool.
That’s it. I count three out of five, which for me is very acceptable. How’d you do?

The Lies That We Know Are True

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:57:51 -0500

I remember reading somewhere of the comparison of each of our lives to an onion. We all have layers and the author went on to say that there was no end to our layers. That’s all we are, just an endless series of layers. I don’t know that I fully subscribe to this, but it does resonate. Each time I have uncovered another layer of myself and discovered what lay underneath it was accompanied by a feeling of, “This is it. This is the final layer.” It was never true though.

Zen would say that at our core we are kindness. It would suggest that there is an end to the layers and that it is possible to strip them all away. This feels closer to the truth for me. I think you’ll agree with me that there are times when you feel the core of you is good and that it is connected with everyone, and the truth of this Zen thing resonates.

I have been uncovering another layer recently. Stripping layers away is never easy. In fact it is usually painful, like ripping a band aide off too quickly. Part of us would rather live in our fantasy world these layers have created and not go through the trouble of removing them. This exposed layer carries a belief that life is painful, and happiness is not to be found, except rarely. The accompanying emotion is one of sadness. This is hard for me to deal with for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is I have subscribed to this for so long that I accept it as truth. Now that it has been uncovered though I find I encounter it all the time. When this belief surfaces and I am able to notice it and not readily accept it as fact, I try and note it and the part of me that is kind smiles and whispers to me, “It is a lie.”

Part Two

Sun, 28 Dec 2008 08:15:20 -0500

Phase two, which is to make our bedroom look like the home office, started yesterday and it was not an auspicious beginning. It started with removing wallpaper. Now I don’t know if you have ever done this before, I hadn’t, but it was devilishly hard. I had been told to do the following; Go to Home Depot and buy a little prickly tool to poke tiny holes in the wallpaper, buy the enzyme solution to slather on after the holes have been poked, and buy the scraping tool. I did so and started the project with high hopes.

On a lighter note I saw something that made my heart skip a beat it was so cool, when I was at Home Depot buying the above. It was an electric caulking gun by RYOBI. Yeah! I’m talking very cool stuff here. I am a firm believer that the right tools make the job not only easier, but turn out better. When were ready to caulk I promised The Chef we’re going to have one of those bad boys. Trust me on this one, this is every bit as cool as the nail gun. It gives me something to look forward to.

Which is a good thing because taking the wallpaper off is insanely hard. What were we thinking when we put it up? The instructions of course make it look easy. In three simple steps you’re done. No. I took two passes on wall number one and quit because I had to work on a talk I am giving today. What is left looks like the wall of some decayed crack house. It’s pretty bad. We’ll stick with it of course and make sure it all comes off, but we’re going to pay the price on this one.

Thoughts At Starbucks On A Saturday Morn

Sat, 27 Dec 2008 10:19:23 -0500

Where is my writing going? Nano really threw me for a loop. I think it turned out horrible and it made me question my ability to even tell a story. There was no point to it. Was it because it was too rushed? Was I distracted and not able to focus enough? I churned out the words but copying the dictionary might have been better. I used to think I had something to say. It is one of the big reasons I started a blog. Has everything been said? My blog lately is much more of a public journal and not a statement of any sort. Maybe this is just the end of the year introspection, and I certainly have no thoughts of quitting writing, I just feel adrift. If you are a writer and you have some advice, now would be the time to help. Leave a comment.

Meditation is a bright spot because it helps me to be comfortable with what my life is right now. Other times I feel adrift, a vacant empty shell. I can sit all afternoon doing nothing. If I don’t make a list (mom can relate to this) on days where I’m not at work I will have nothing to show at the end of the day. It’s not doing nothing rather it’s living in the mental construct of my thoughts, going down those well worn threads I’m addicted to. I do make a list though, so things do get done. I’m just saying.

Sitting here at Starbucks I notice that some people seem genuinely nice and others seem artificially so. I could be wrong here but I think everyone can tell the difference. Then again it’s probably a matter of perception don’t you think? I remember a conversation with dad about a man. He asked what I thought of him and I replied to the effect that I thought he exuded an artificial kindness. I wasn’t sure if what I was really seeing was him or some persona he was putting on for us. It left me feeling just a bit uncomfortable. It is also interesting to note that in some settings, like a business meeting for example, this may be completely appropriate. Dad agreed with me, we were two wolves talking about deer meat as the saying goes. I mention this because this man effected mom very much the opposite. She saw his friendship as genuine and they continue to get along quite well. Which of us was right? Maybe we all were.

Today we start to strip the wallpaper off our bedroom. It is the first step to making it look like our home office, which we both now love immensely, which used to be Arwen’s room.

On What Makes A Good Christmas

Fri, 26 Dec 2008 10:00:31 -0500

It is a study in opposites.

The Chef was a flurry of activity for much of the day. We had a breakfast at 10 a.m. with four ‘guests’ that otherwise would have had no place to go on Christmas morning. This is a tradition The Chef herself started while she was working at the now defunct Ryland Inn. She had just finished the Christmas Eve shift and was getting ready to go home. She was talking to, “Henry,” one of the dishwashers who happened to be from Costa Rica. “So Henry,” The Chef said, “What are you doing for Christmas, do you have any where to go?”

Henry shook his head sadly, “No Chef,” he said, “I have nowhere to go. My family is in Costa Rica and I am all alone”

With nary a thought or concern about what will The Ridge Walker, The Architect, Paladin, Web Master, or Arwen think about this she said, “Henry, I want you to come over to my house for breakfast Christmas morning.” Henry’s face lit up and he readily agreed. He was very pleased. Then because the Chef knew one was not enough and we, the above named, would very likely simply stare holes right through the dishwasher from Costa Rica not even trying to talk to him, The Chef invited, “Sam”, another one of the kitchen staff from far south of the border. They could at least talk to each other while we stared holes through them both. Thus began the tradition and we have done it every year since. It has been a decade at least. It wouldn’t be Christmas for The Chef if we didn’t do this. My job is to entertain before during and after the food has been set out, and it is a role I have grown into. Yesterday Arwen helped The Chef prepare the meal and helped me entertain the guests. She really was at her best yesterday.

This is to say yesterday morning was very busy for The Chef. The menu held, a savory sausage strata, white chocolate and apricot scones, a fruit medley with some nice sauce to go over it, and hash browns. I’m probably leaving something out, but it was very nice indeed. Then she invited them back for dinner because why not? She asked if I was ok with this in one of those, “IQ Test,” moments. Was I smart enough to know that yes was the only viable answer? I passed. Dinner was a very nice ham, a mashed potato casserole (not sure what else to call it), and a sausage wild rice fennel stuffing. Dessert was a caramel nut tart with Vanilla ice cream. There was perhaps an hour in the middle of the day when The Chef was out cold on the Papasan. I should have gotten a picture, because she was delightfully busy the rest of the day.

The Ridge Walker? Nothing. A model for sloth, one of the seven deadly sins. Well, OK, I blogged, read a chapter in Orcs (The historical fiction remember TAW?) Skyped with mom and played a grace note scale or two for her on my chanter and sat around thinking those deep thoughts I am so fond of that I think will make a difference.

At the end of the day both of us were well pleased.

A Christmas Tradition

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 13:16:42 -0500

He was in first grade at the time and came up to me and said something like, “Dad, you know that Christmas actually begins at 12:01 a.m. so it’s completely appropriate we open presents then as it is in fact Christmas morning.”

I knew he was right and had no desire to walk down that path so I replied, “That’s true but we’re going to open them at a very civilized 7 a.m. after we have all had a good nights sleep.”

“How about 1 a.m.,” he asked? “That will give you an extra hour.”

“How about 6 a.m.? That’s as early as I can go.”

“How about 5:59 a.m.?”

I knew this was a slippery slope so I held firm. That’s how the tradition of getting up at 6 a.m. to open presents began. Traditions are a good thing and this one is uniquely ours. While you are snugly in bed getting that last hour or two of sleep we are enjoying our presents.

Last night I was remarking to the Chef that the magic was entirely gone from Christmas for me this year. In part this is because I knew I would be sleeping in until whenever I woke up. Where’s the excitement in that? You can imagine my surprise therefore when Arwen showed up at the door at 5:55 a.m. She was woken by Migley, looked at the clock, and decided to come over. Even though The Architect, TAW, and Paladin weren’t here it was still very much enough to make me smile.

Oh yeah, the cookies are the one’s I was talking about. The Chef decided on dark chocolate instead of white.